Sugar *_* Candy's Fancy Attic

从parodiso氤氲的气氛和嗅觉刺激中推门而出，把谈话声和嘻笑声永远的留在的背后，走上红色地毯铺就的层层阶梯，迎着料峭春夜的凉风，吸着扑面而来的只属于北大的气息，我，独自的我，走着那条熟悉地不知道走过多少次的线路——二体、网球场、燕南园、物美、四十五楼回到凌乱不堪的宿舍。我是单独的客体，颇具姿态的object。人可以没有大的作为，但一定要有姿态，内心的踏实的姿态。

 

卫生评比结果上上周公布，我们宿舍成为整个unit里的第一层唯一没有上90分的宿舍。宿舍的其他mm都特别懊丧，我安慰她们：“没关系，我们要坚持走自己的路，让别人去打扫吧。”我不是一个懒人，我只是不喜欢宿舍干净的一尘不染，那会是一种横生生的距离感。我喜欢褪下的衣服凌乱的洒落在空床上或万国旗般的被悬挂，我喜欢高跟鞋布鞋拖鞋毛鞋都杂乱不堪东倒西歪的躺在地面，我喜欢窗帘遮挡住阳光这样屋子就迷离昏暗地催人入睡，又或者只露出一线阳光从那里我可以看到无数的灰尘在飞扬，我喜欢被子不被叠这样身体的余温和香水的味道都可以被暂时留在那个狭小的空间那我可以随时找到睡觉的mood......总之，我喜欢凌乱。

 

自从不再留恋学生的小床位之后，我开始不时地幻想我日后的居住空间。房间里只允许我这一个生物的存在（男朋友偶尔造访除外）。首先是大大的床，至少1.8M，柔软的床垫，被子最好是Mike家的那种（Ikea出品的超厚实柔软条纹大被子）；其次是地毯，鲜艳跳跃的那种，那我就可以随时或躺或坐；电脑和带有低音炮的音响（这样的话，音乐就可以24/7的running了）；带有台灯的书桌（我喜欢看书并且在书上乱画）；天蓝/淡紫的壁纸/墙色，黄色基调的灯光，为构建和谐社会而努力，因此我喜欢柔和静谧的一切东西；书架和衣架，想到可以拥有自己的大大长长的衣架我就兴奋不已；可以看到街外风景的明净小窗口一个，不需要大到人可以夺窗而出或强盗可以破窗而入；足够的空间，我喜欢在屋里奔跑和热舞。好像需要的东西还很多，包括饮水机垃圾桶面包机梳妆台......如果势必要为长大找一个心理安慰的话，那可以拥有独立的生活空间算是一个了。我还要一个工具齐备的小厨房，因为我会褒汤会煮好吃的家常菜会很贤惠的在家里弄健康食谱；我还要两个很nice的同居密友，男生的话不能太帅否则不利于长期和平共处，大家要拥有相似的价值观和生活态度，有热情会享受和发现生活；我还要便捷的交通，最好在地铁边上；我还要充满文化和人文关怀的周边环境，最好人员构成可以相对多元化和年轻化，有鳞次栉比的餐馆、咖啡馆、书店、服饰店、音像铺、面包店、酒馆、健身馆.......我理想的婚前单身生活呀，我理想的让我满足的有质量的生活呀......

 

最近一直在看和后现代主义、消费社会有关的学术资料，为解决了一些迫在眉睫的意识领域的困扰而暗自得意不已。后现代主义的特质是：反传统、反权威、去中心、无所谓、无意义，这不就是我嘛！？其实我还是有所谓的，对我的小生活。和我所关爱的人们的小生活。晚上问Michelle，what is your motivation in current life？她说：高中时候是学习，后来是男人和漂亮，现在是钱。她问：你呢？我回答她：殷实的生活，这包括稳定中求进的学业和爱情；快乐不抱怨的生活；热情和乐于挖掘的心；自信和通过别人肯定获得的成就感。我把自己的生活重心总结为：为实现社会主义的小资努力生活50年的勇气和信心。她说她老有危机感，本来生活地一帆风顺也要担心这个那个的。我说我已经不去思考不能控制的东西了，我只愿意活在当下抓住最触手可得的快乐，我只愿意想未来之前的生活。老实说，除了对未来的工作之外，我真没有多大危机感，我还是奉信人定胜天，我相信所有的一切都源于人的态度。目前，我不担心没有爱情，也不担心失去爱情，因为爱情本来就是来去自由的奢侈品，得之我幸不得我命，目前和will的爱几乎将要耗尽我平生可以用来爱的所有能量和勇气。学术？我每天都在努力的看书，其他的我都不敢打包票......

 

上周去现代城见了传说中的鲜氧杂志主编喜生老师，他和我聊了三个小时（基本上是他谆谆善诱），还送了我一本保险膜包裹的鲜氧杂志，据说市面价是100RMB。就是因为和他的会面，我走出了上上周被老板教育的阴霾，重新树立起了信心和勇气。也许很久的一段时间我都显得有些虚无主义和消极主义（这也是后现代主义的典型人的生活形态，我上周开始崇拜的JEAN BAUDRILLARD也如是），也许不时的自怨自艾把真实的勇敢的我给hidden起来了，但其实我本质，还是一个勇敢积极的人士，敢于直面.......所以，喜生老师让我再一次确认梦想的伟大，和实现梦想的振奋。见完他之后直到现在，我都还在亢奋之中期许些什么。我真的很需要这样的大师时不时的鞭策和激励自己。附带一句，鲜氧的文字排版很有趣，许舜英（意识形态广告公司ECD）对创意的阐释让我激动和感动不已。“解构”和“消解”，广告解构生活，陌生化的文案处理消解传统的语法规则......

 

春天终于到了，我终于可以肆无忌惮的光腿穿短裙了。树枝的顶端新芽已经不由分说的破壳而出，学一门口的桃花还没开完就已经要败了，bbs毕业生版又有人开始写毕业关键词了，一切都像是轮回一般，只是因为我都看过经历过了，所以我不再心绪起伏不再惶恐，我只是淡淡的以旁观者的姿态看着，所有的关于毕业的一切，每一个人都是必须经历一下的，没有人可以逃过成长和分离的阵痛。

 

去年的今日，我还和女人们一起憧憬夏天集体穿吊带穿短裙，今年的今日，我已经以研究生老女人装嫩的姿态地在校园里独自行走了。走在树影婆娑的博实门口的时候，我突然好怀念外面的她们，和他们。但是这次，我竟然已经不失落了，或者说我已经不再会失落了。走出了她们和他们的影子，我终于开始我的生活了，我的只属于我的、连未来的回忆都只属于我个人的生活。

 

我购买媒介产品具有很大的随意性，可能因为喜欢一个人，或者因为喜欢那个专题。如我就曾因为封面是小s而买下了一本无用的通篇老女人美容经的时尚杂志；也因为封面是我很喜欢的田园而开始痴迷《城市画报》，虽然我已因为它内容的局限而在去年将它抛弃；上次因为封面的一个从130斤到80斤的装扮tips也让我怦然心动，不过后来理智战胜情感我没有没有20大元买一本无用的时尚杂志。

 

昨天中午，路过报刊亭的时候，我被BQ封面上的一个专题吸引－－《春树－－成长之痛》。认识这个80后的女“作家”是在大二的时候，记得当时看《北京娃娃》时的震撼与艳羡了，那是的她，还是一个处于叛逆期的女学生。少女的第一次失身，在她的笔下，也变得无比的惨烈与隽永、难忘、惶恐、惊喜、鲜血淋漓。我喜欢她的态度和桀骜，又或者说我对于所有这种“有种”“有才华”的人都充满了敬意和欣赏。所以，毫不犹豫的把这期的BQ和最近发掘的新爱《周末画报》，厚厚的一大沓，屁颠屁颠的抱回宿舍，然后迫不及待的看那个专题。

 

其实从标题成长之痛我已经可以预先设想专访的核心话题，但是看完之后，还是有点淡淡的失落，不是因为专访质量的优劣，而是我心目中的春树已经不复存在，如今的春树，是24岁的不再青春不再叛逆不再侍才而傲的“穿帆布鞋”的魔幻小女生了，反之，她有了新的身份，新的顾忌，新的外壳，新的对于人生和生活的见解，尽管其中大部分是她不愿意接受或面对的。专题做的好坏，就在于是否提供了读者想知道或压根儿没料到的信息（message），是否给读者继续思考下去的空间和勇气，我想，我大概会因为这篇专题而开始坚持购买这份周报了。春树的成长之痛，于我是深有同感的，我可以很敏感的体会到她的所有彷徨与顾虑，我甚至觉得她就是如同我一样的小大人，徘徊在长大与小孩的边缘，摸索着前进。

 

截取了春树的若干回答，配上我自己的一些注解。之所以绕有兴致这么做，是因为她回答的言语里面，很多的不安与思考，我觉得都是会和我的concerns契合的，只不过她更先锋，更尖锐，而我不过是一介平庸无常的80后大学生（尽管内心会时常挣扎抗争想摆脱这该死的平庸和趋众）。

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

今天的心情就像正在下着雨的天空一般，阴霾，阴阴的，看不到方向，找不到高兴起来的借口

 

昨天的事情还历历在目，眼泪和内疚都留在了漫长的昨天。心里还是难受，还是忍不住想起那成为众矢之的一刹那我内心的惶恐与不安

 

很怀疑一切，怀疑自己，觉得自己是一个不幸又委屈的人，但同时又是一个面目可憎的人，我怎么这么不讨自己喜欢呢？

 

姿态很低很低，低到我想把自己深深的藏匿在黑暗的无人的世界里，就我一个人，静静的呆着，想想，把问题都给想清楚了。此刻很卑微的心态已经许久不曾有过了，如今这番的萦绕我，却是让我很诧异。只记得小时候被老师和同学指着鼻子冤枉的时候了，满是心酸，我真可怜。

 

昨晚投奔liwei去了，好在有他，全世界都不要我了，我也还有他，还有他会安慰我，会拍拍我的小脑袋瓜儿让我振奋起来，会紧紧的抱着我不让我胡思乱想，好在还有他......背着他眼泪又止不住的流下来，他擦拭我的湿透的眼角，握着我的小手，亲亲我的额头......已经不是用言语可以表达感激的了，只有爱，微弱到只有爱来回赠他对我的单纯与宽厚....

 

也许日子过得太舒坦了，上天看不过去了，就来这么几下子，当头棒喝，提醒着我点儿，别老把日子想的那么美滋滋的

why people like going to party? what is the significance of attending various party and meeting different people?

today Catherine told me that she would rather have her ex-boyfriend back and only stay with him than going out with friends to party and meet up with a bunch of strangers, especially men thing. i told her, it is different. love is one thing, but friends is the other indispensable thing. friends are forever but lovers will come and go, in a word, one will eventually vanish but another will never. I like meeting new guys and look into different personality. though this motivation is getting vaguer and vaguer, meeting new friends, particularly meeting some good friends who can share somehow similar value and principle is the thing that i always yearn to. i need friends, this is pretty urgent under the circumstance whether i am single or not. when being alone, friends are the only harbor i can turn to. even if with a boyfriend aside who is always at my service, friends are still irreplacable. being spoiled both in love and in friendship, person of this type is the most lucky guy in world.

having spent a whole week, alone, reading and burying myself in the lonely dorm, i really need to go out, respiring some fresh air for further motivation. thus tonight, i accepted my lovely friend Jung's invitation to her CUBA's welcome party which is held in D22, a newly open bar redecorated from the original Floating Bar. this is not my first time to a party mixed with foreign students and pku locals. not that bad, meeting a bunch of interesting young guys. though unable to profoundly communicate, but being able to meet new guys and talk for a while, i feel myself reborn to a communicative world.The world is a small one, in the party met up with some old friends, and then naturally, followed them to the next party in Zub.

Quite a while since my last time to ZUB. it is special little club, famous in some high brow cultural magazine, coz i have caught up introduction articles about it on several famous city pictorials or magazines. Nevertheless, I somehow dont like the music and people there. Music sounds like tech or some strange mixed ones, cant arouse people's passion; people are mostly from abroad, Europe or sth. from time to time, there would be strange players there, like some gentlemen wearing priest garments, or Chinese young chicks in Qipao. tonight there was a young german guy wearing a galaxy clothes, the light bulbs on his clothes might be lit on any time. hehe, checking out the somewhat freaky figures are of fun, at least not as boring as life turns out to be. there is another interesting object inside ZUB, the free water-smoke machine provided free on the table. never try it but it must be fun.

tonight's music is unexpectedly awsome, mostly hiphop, which is prevalent in every hiphop club, like pp or taku or babalu. we had a great time there for two hrs. tonight there is a special discount for cocktail, buying one and with another free one. i had one glass of Cosmopolitan, Karrie in Sex and the City's favorite. Taste good, I should have tried more besides pina colada and snowball. Friends's friends, there are some nasty men i dont like. Actually, i make my own judgement about man, quite based on my first intuition. A nasty man will be a nasty one, at my first sight seeing him. I dont like those who act like "horny" masculine creature, i dont like those who cant dance well, i dont like those who has no clothes taste, i dont like those who is too affectedly gentlemen......Daing, seems that i am too critical about this. Anyhow, going to friends' party, there is one bad thing, is you have to pretend to be friendly to those who you actually dont really like.  to this phase, meeting new friends are not fun. "social" makes me tired, i just want some crazy dance and some little drink to help me release myself out of the fussy things. Dancing is well, drinking is well, but flinging around, get away!

Michelle came too, a pleasure to meet her tonight.

i like the weather these several days. warm, cool, breeze, foggy, and humidity. hehe, the spring is really here. tender spring, silently come and go.

recommend a good song, Blood and Peanut Butter, one song from GA OST. quite amazing, i like the chorus part, sang by some light female voice, really intriguing.

第一次正儿八经的过起了一个人的生活

宿舍的姐妹两个去上海出差，一个去瑞典交流

于是，我终于成了一个人，宿舍终于成了我的私人公寓

 

本科没有过过这样的单身生活，在家里更是无福消受

一个人的生活是怎么样的呢？

没有人与你对话，充溢着自己与自己的毫无意义的呓语

没有人拘束你的行为，可以裸体行走可以大声音乐可以放开热舞可以随性而为

一个人的生活还是很惬意

我把tianyang的音响搬到床上，享受那几张suzy赠送的泰国club音乐，享受.......

 

今晚下到了Grey的OST，精选的40首音乐静静的放着

心里涌起一阵阵的感动和心悸，和当时看GA时的心情是一样一样的

 

也许孤独不是逃避成长的原因

也许孤独本身就是一种生活

原来我逃避孤独的原因是因为我不曾享受过孤独

也许我也适合适当的孤独来沉淀自己愉悦自己

 

昨天和小will呆了一天，陪他看了第二遍的落叶归根，好电影，他也这么解决

我会推荐的电影肯定不会suck到哪里去

拿回来了他送给我的kitty软糖，外表看上去就像是kitty的工仔

里面的糖果还没来得及拿出来我就已经把她摆到了书架上展览了

 

早上接到一个big name的senior manager的面试电话

没想到，人家一听到我即将要去BOC实习一年，就打住了原本的面试

匆匆结束了电话，我的那个恼怒啊，愤恨啊

本来很有戏的实习机会就这么泡汤了

仰天飙了若干的脏话才把内心的愤懑给压抑下去

去年的今天，忙着各种校园活动，丝毫没有担心过实习和工作

今年的今天，事隔一年而已，背着研究生的头衔，竟又开始担心生存问题了，和大三暑假的状态很像

不过现在把握和当年不可同日而语

我渴望一份独立的生活，但是又害怕在校园里浸淫许久的自己不能很快适应，怎么办呢？唯一的办法就是物色好的同屋

最好是北大的志同道合的友人，各位如果有好推荐的话麻烦告知一声了，只要是08年9月有打算租房的都可

 

另一方面，最近又还在担心毕业论文的事情，眼看一年都快过去了，学术还是没有明显的长进

书看了不少，英文的资料也阅读了不少，图书馆借回来的书也翻阅过一些

但是，还是没有感觉.......走马观花的看书看资料，总感觉好像什么也没有收获

思考的角度，思考的模式，建构？都好象没有.....还是大白话连篇，汗死了自己这种伪学术分子

要是研究生的论文可以顺利过关，得找个庙拜拜了

 

BOC的实习可能7月或者8月开始，取决于我是否找到其他更合适的实习填补8月之前的时间

上周的奥运讲座听得我心瓦凉瓦凉的，没想到BOC也还是一个大机关，人浮于事的大机关

一年，真还不知道会怎么样

 

学一门口的桃花上周开了，自从看了那桃花开了之后，上周四我开始了三天的生不如死的重感冒

左眼右眼，左鼻右鼻相继沦陷，肿的象桃子，鼻子的皮肤因为反复搓捏严重损毁，喉咙像是灼烧似的

喝了两天的感冒冲剂，一点效果没有，最后还得回归西药，一片白加黑就搞定了，叫我如何相信中药！！

 

这两天都扮演了路不拾遗的角色

昨天在学五的路上发现一张饭卡，今天见到地面上有5元人民币

我都犹豫了一下，视而不见

捡了饭卡，我不知道该如何给还物主，bbs发帖子吗？卡上什么标记都没有如何确认是一个大麻烦

will说可以交到卡中心，想了想，也对

钱我没有捡，是因为钱太少了，捡了我在江湖都没法混了

想当年在大上海，我在酒店门口捡到200RMB硬是交给了酒店前台，尽管我敢100％确定他们会私吞

但是我宁愿让他们私吞也不愿自己私吞

 

最近，乃多事之秋

朋友里有怀孕的

有堕胎的

有失恋被人甩的

有一直没人可恋的

有结婚的

有考研失利的

有感冒的

.........

多保重吧，阿门

 

 

网络不大好使，我好怕我接下来写的这些字又会因为狗日的bug而消失，上帝保佑我吧。写下“闲暇“二字的时候，我迟疑了一会儿。这个学期的周六都被奥运实习的培训课程占据了，可以说我宝贵的周五晚上和周六白天都被课程占满了，对我这种周末才有机会“生活”的学生来说真是欲哭无泪啊。

 

今晚不想看书，也不想改简历，就想休闲的度过，而事实是这整个星期我都休闲的度过了。周三白天看了四集DH，一集PB，终于赶上了大部队的进度，晚上和小花在大讲堂看了《落叶归根》，然后去lu家聊天之后搬回来一箱新鲜的苹果，这一天就过啦。周四，天，我已经想不起来昨天做了什么，哦，对，昨天是三八妇女节，为了庆祝这个伟大的节日，中午宿舍托Anada奖学金的福，去城府路那边的金博客腐败加各种聊天；晚上白雪从单位过来，加上学校里的若干新旧朋友齐聚五道口的propaganda狂欢到凌晨，值得回忆的2007年妇女节。今天呢？早上很乖的在paradiso看书，中午去康博斯吃了二两水饺，下午上了时间不长很得力（得力是因为时间不长，老师人为缩短了两个小时，大家都因这天上掉下来的大馅饼雀跃不已），晚上和GOC的几个朋友在人民酒家聚会加聊天.......我的腐败的一周.....其实也满混乱的，心绪比较混乱，怀念之前一段时间的平和的心情。

 

强烈推荐本山大叔的《落叶归根》，情节和故事很别致，拍的让人笑中带泪，让我感慨不已的好片，比那些所谓的垃圾大片好出几万倍，各位没有看过的朋友一定要看，否则人生太不完整了。里面有若干情节都很让我有落泪的冲动，虽然大抵是乐观和幽默的。本山大叔，我真的越发的觉得他是一个伟大的不落俗套的“人民艺术家”，配的上这个称号估计除了他，就是已故的“赵丽蓉”了。他真的太棒了，我喜欢他在影片里流露出的对生活的热爱和感受，平实中带有小人物的乐观，都是我可望不可及的品质。他拉着板车，学着夏雨吆喝，展开双手拥抱前方的那个场景，我都有落泪的冲动，那是一种怎样的热情和情怀？还有他坐在卡车顶上朗诵诗歌的情节，虽然有点做作和煽情，但是那种面对祖国美好河山的“激昂”和“溢于言表的喜悦”是我们都可以感受到的，于是，他的那种表演也变成了让观众触动的惊艳。相比而言，这是我近期看到的最好的电影，比《门徒》还要致胜。很完整和充实的一个故事，《门徒》的尾巴太孱弱了，可惜了之前那么强悍的情节。喜欢《落叶归根》里胡军和宋丹丹的表演，但是最爱的还是夏雨，我喜欢他笑得象花儿的脸，我的理想伴侣形象，带有痞子气的但又不断成长的都市青年。

 

最近又很想认识新的朋友了。总不想让自己陷入一种平庸的静止，于是对友谊和朋友的需求变得呼之欲出。自从毕业之后，整个人变得很低调，ambition和aspiration都attrition了许多。之前志同道合的许多朋友都已经散落在各个角落，或求学或被生活所累，感慨之余很希望借着作学生的最后时机认识更多的优秀有趣的朋友，如果有机会作好朋友的话，那会更加perfect。对朋友，对我有可能惺惺相稀的朋友，我永远是展开双手期待的。昨天三八妇女节，吆喝了一群朋友去propaganda，白雪也特地从工作的地方赶过来，朋友的朋友又带了一大群的朋友，于是浩浩荡荡的一群人闯进了那个熟悉莫名的“红五星”。去的新朋友大多是大四的学生，虽然只是相差一级，但是觉得他们好年轻，对未来什么的都充满无限的向往。而看看自己，只过了半年而已，已然“老态龙钟”了许多，拉着白雪感慨了一大番的“老了啊”。认识了好几个朋友，一个要去LV工作的经院男孩，一个节奏感很到位的保研女生（呵呵，感觉又找到pal了），一个健美操特长的光华男生........音乐不错，free drink很得力，大家一起have fun，这是我一直都很喜欢的所谓“夜店感觉”－－音乐，酒精，无拘束的释放。年轻真好，大家一起玩真好，北大的本科生真好。我总不否认自己有“土著”情节，就是这么一点点残留的土著情节让我觉得过去真的没有真正过去，一切都仿佛依稀还鲜活地存在........尽管类似于“幻境”，但我还是宁愿相信。

 

春天就要来了，想起去年的这个时候，我每个周末和白雪去IRF学习韩国流行舞；平时去上岛看论文资料；当时好像刚买了相机，跑到校园的各个角落拍东西和各种自拍；四月的开头组织班里的最后一次春游，回来不久就和liwei好上了，然后脱光报告，六月过得懒散又紧张，不久就跑去上海三个月作项目，然后研究生第一个星期......真快，但是又仿佛过了很久了一般，努力也想不起来是半年前的事情了。大家仿佛都没有变，但是他们已经semi professional的举止和装扮，真的有时候让我无所适从。我还是一个奢侈的学生，可以随意逃课随意睡懒觉的北大四大疗养院的一员，我还是最穷的那几个之一，钱永远不够花银行永远欠钱，而同学们都已经开始投资理财了........我倒也不是说错过了什么失去了什么，我只是越来越明白一些东西，一些过去作选择的时候没有来得及想明白的东西。

 

还是不适合作学术，我发现。我并不苦恼于发现这个铮铮的事实，因为本来人按照能力和潜质就是有所区分的，有的人适合学术，有的人适合职业，而我只是给了自己一年多的时间去发现并确认这个事实。天知道我要是不在北大读研的话，估计此时也会在UK或HK呆着读研，所以，不要计较眼前的得失。

 

今晚和aitong吃饭的时候，她和我说：你以后一定会是一个富婆，尽管我严重怀疑这个，但是我还是很高兴她这么说。什么包票都不敢下，我只希望我可以活得开心和充实。基本确定未来的求职目标，但最后究竟会花落哪家太未知了，所以我觉得人生真的很他妈的刺激。

 

最近爱上了几样东西：

学三的饺子：尤其是沾上醋之后，我觉得是人世间最美味的食物。campus中餐的鸡腿饭继师生缘的包子、艺园的地三鲜，成为我厌倦的过气食物啦。

 

paradiso：上学期开的咖啡馆，当时中村推荐的。虽然中村已经回国了，我每次只能自己一个人形单影只的在里面看书和喝咖啡，但是就是里面的咖啡豆味、咖啡机的嘈杂、各种人声，成为了我自习看书的最佳协奏曲。其slogan是"best coffee at lowest price"，价格我觉得确实便宜，但是咖啡，我则不敢苟同了。每次我喝了它家的咖啡，就气愤的拍着胸脯说下次再也不喝了，太难喝啦，没想到下次去了，还是会忘记之前的毒誓又买一大杯的难喝便宜咖啡，唉。我觉得他的slogan应该改为"soso coffee at decent price"。

 

大讲堂：主要是自从门徒之后，喜欢上了电影院看电影的感觉，甚是一种享受。

 

propaganda：距离第一次clubbing已经快2年了，05年6月第一次去pp，到现在，已经不知道有多少次了，但仍旧会时不时的怀念这个地方，仿佛去了里面，就回到了过去，回到了可以青春肆意恩仇的当年。随着去的次数累加，感伤也多了许多，特别是当年的好友都已经转战工体clubs或者其他城市的clubs之后。不过，hiphop dance算是自己最后一个passion hobby了，要坚持。想起当年海上团的noboo和terri了，他们在pp门口对我们说：dont stop dancing, keep dancing。用白雪的话，就是要高举hiphop的大旗，一直跳，跳到不能动弹的那天，呵呵，估计是要跳到结婚生子之前。一直在努力寻求的好友标准就是：热爱hiphop dance，单纯热爱跳舞，上进进取，单纯简单的女孩儿。

 

关于爱情，最近没什么感慨的。一切还好。

 

 

 

 

估计是自己人生中最后一次写下类似的标题了－－新学期，新气息。最后一个学生学期，没有了大四下学期的那种惊惶与害怕，现在更多的是“无奈”，“破釜沉舟”，“憧憬”....都有吧。

 

今天出了两门课的成绩，其中有我最担心的一门电影课，还好，分数都很不错。到了研究生阶段，ms还不能对成绩释怀。

 

晚上的创意研究课，久违了的Cynthia，还是一如往年的风姿和乐观....而且让我回想到本科的广告课堂，兴高采烈的讨论，年轻肆意的笑脸，不受拘束的幻想.....当时的我和大家。其实也才过去不久，但老觉得过去很久了，而且总觉得自己是个正牌的研究生了，对本科的一切都不在乎甚至鄙夷起来。当年的同窗，如今都在各个工作岗位和生活里发挥着不同的作用，而自己还在这个园子里奢侈的作学生伪学术，有的时候觉得惭愧，更多时候觉得幸运和感恩。想念曾经的大伙，想念过去，不过仅限于想念罢了，未来在不容我犹豫的往前飞奔，带着我的美好的过去。

 

新学期的课程so far还都可以，上课还是最惬意的。zhaowei好像说过：可以坐在明亮的教室里讨论和现实生活无关的东西，真的是人生中最幸福的事情。想想也是，大概以后都不会用到的方法和概念，现在要在课堂上讨论个面红耳赤，辛辛苦苦的做presentation。这种做北大学生的乐趣大概是未来再也不会有的了。不知道我的工作了的伙伴们是否还会想起北大的这些课堂，是否还会想起我们结伴下课调侃老师嘻笑怒骂的身影...也许不会刻意忘记，但也不会刻意想起，生活已经冲淡了对美好的牵挂。

 

 

after returning home, a sweet or bitter nap during the afternoon time has become a habit. Some reading, or one episode of drama, I fell asleep like nobody. This afternoon, again. Previous days were a nightmare, which i broke my heart again. Luckily, things are getting better and mood is recovering.

连续第二晚，毫无睡眠。

有蚊子，更甚的是，是有类似蚊子的残念在嗜咬着我的大脑，嗜咬着我的每一根神经

累，累到思绪容不下任何一个会让我生厌的字眼了

7点醒来，窗外还是迷朦的南国的早晨，月亮仿佛没有下去，太阳就已经要升起

挣扎着起来，头痛愈裂，遂躺下，张开双眼透过蚊帐看雪白的天花板，想我要能超脱就好了

8点，再也不愿意呆在着3米见方的柔软的床上了

我恐惧床，因为它是我错愕和惊吓的源生地

熟悉又陌生的孤独感，霎时吞噬了我

无处诉说无人理解的孤独

甚至我以为最在乎我的人，都无法钻进我情感肆意的细胞里窥探究竟

无法自渎的苦楚，我还是无法超脱作为一个俗人的忧愁和痛苦

 

拿着篮球来到楼下的篮球场

我，企忘掉一切，疯狂的投球，球被无情地抛到白板上再无奈的反弹回我的手

无论我对球多么绝决，它还是回到我的身边

人呢？

 

this is one line taken from my favorite song "so sick", which truly expresses my present feeling. The more you see, the more uncomfortable you'd feel about current situation. The more you know you can attain, the more you are tending to be despodant about presency. How can this relative purity last? One month or one season? When will my remaining faith on sth vanish to disappear? .....Why the hell I am always questioning and cant let myself go. Iceman told me not to think but to live, that is right. I should have been a philosopher or have my own column or hotline, solving my problems, and others'.

 

Back from Shen Zhen yesterday, got one lesson just before I secretly thought my stay there was a perfect one. I got one 100RMB switched to a valueless piece of paper. I didnt find out until starvation pushed me to buy a brunch. Soonly after I found out this, I felt sick, hoping to leave this city ASAP, crapping all my belongings. What a regret, it should have been a fascinating place for passionate youth with dreams. its modernity and entertaining facility, which can outstand itself from oldfashioned BJ and other cities in China except SH.  However, the also "stunning" poor security does frighten me. It is the only place that i have such a feeling that my bag will whenever be dragged away without my objection or denial. I dont like this horrible fear, I want to live in a safe place where i can worry about some meaningful issues.

 

Finished the informally last episode of <sex and the city> ---splat. Feeling strange and complicated. What did it teach me? How to take love and sex? Reinforcing my feminine tendency? The ending is "cynical" actually. Even as these four, playing with man not depending on man for a promising future. Nevertheless, they finally have to settle down for normalty. Even Samantha, ended up with Smith. It really scares me, adding to my pessimistic belief. If men are not reliable, then why every of us tries to get one? Why cant we  be strong enough to live our own life?They cant, surely I cant either. What is to become of me? Carrie's last line to Maranda strikes me: you guys are all moving on but me. I am stil writing my colums, pretending that nothing has changed. You all start your new life, but where is mine?

 

Some problems, are apparently not problems. but when we really think abt them, they become serious.  Stopping thinking is a good way to protect ourselves, but we can never live without runing into them. You cant think through them, you cant avoid thinking abt them, then what the hell is appropriate?

生滚鸡肉粥

干炒牛河

 

深深的

无法

停止的

 

平静的

生活

掩饰了

许多

 

刻意地

回避

 

但

当再次触及

还是

无法抑止的伤痛

 

给

一切的

隐喻

都

找到了

理由

 

纠结的

映像

无法忘却的

 

其实

还是

输不起

所以

会迂回

If not the pop song's wakening power, I would still be as asleep as a sleeping-worm. Totally passed out for the past three hours, I found myself lying on bed, tired and thirsty for more sleep. Seemingly that I am also sliding into this state that cant have more sleep in weekends, as my other working pals do. This is exactly what I previously blamed others for -- wasting the golden leasure time in weekend for senseless sleeping. Somehow, I cant help. This morning's early wake-up totally dried my energy for afternoon, therefore I was in urgent need to sleep more to make it up. Particularly this kind of person as I am who will be infuriated if sleep is interrupted or if inadequate sleep. Sleeping and Dinning are the two most basic things I will put a priority to fulfill first, or else too uncomfortable for me to hold every nerve of myself together for serious business. Nevertheless, a nap, like this afternoon's, took as long as three hours, obviously, too lavish being mere a nap. Lucky that I am still identifying myself as an extravagant student who can freely do or do-not. Am I puting too much I before each sentence, I definitely think so.

 

Prepared myself with some inspiring backgroup music, which actually are the pop songs with tremendous popularity these several years, I am gonna conclude about my last week now.

 

This week, when I retrospect, I cant think of the time I spent on reading, which means I idled away my necessary reading time for other things, probably entertainment or extra class activity. Wednesday's interview with Hay Group is really a great experience for me. I am not meaning that it is a successful one, however, I do learn a lot from this single interview. It was my historically first time to be interviewed by a prestigious consulting firm, specifically a management consulting firm. The interview was in group form, where seven other interviewees are students either from PKU or THU or RMU. Pretty sure that they are all brilliant smart students from the business school or economic backgroup, I have no edge or advantage at all. Firstly, the English part. Not all of them speak as fluently and as natively as me, however, their tacts of organizing and presenting their experience do impress me a lot. I am stil not well prepared enough for an official interview that needs my 100 percent attention. I casually let out oral English and pick up points without knowing why I am saying this. Anyway, this language is not the most bitter part; the second part in which we need to strive to show off ourselves is the most experiencing one. It is interesting, though. 10,000 dollars is there to be divided into four equal parts and then we need to decide which four social groups to be granted with this sum of charity money and reasons need to throw out. First, we discussed, however not just discussion, coz from which we can so clearly find out who is armed with leardership, wisdom,  team spirit, logic and etc. I did a sucky job in this part. I was not ready enough to stand out and present my idea, here the idea is not common sense one, but idea that can conclude and make sense to the whole group, or even stop some stupid trial or induce to right directions. My speech opportunity is scarce, due to my own fault; and the limited speech was not as ideal as I expected coz they were so "weak", not powerful enough to arouse any ripples. How come I become this kind of "following" person without any sharpness? This is as horrible as it is gonna lead to the inevitable commonness. My last part to do the presentation was ever the worst part, which I can ascribe as nightmare. I cant clearly articulate what I want to say in neat and laconic words, and the direct disaster is that the speech is retardy and redundant. Loser as I was this time to be defeated by the untrained me. Still a long way to go, and I need to do a lot more. Not feeling humiliated this time, it is good enough to be a lesson, which is desperately what I need now, or else I will stil be so ignorant like a moron in the stupidly self-satisfaction. With all the above attributions I dig out that lead to my failure, I will take care of them and finally make them up. At least, I hate to label myself as a loser.

 

This week went to clubs twice. One on Thursday with Catherine to Propaganda's ladies free night; Another is yesterday with HD to ZUB for some drinks and little dance. Havent gone clubbing for quite a long time, this week, twice, totally satiated. Going clubbing, not in an idling way, makes me feel comfortable, instead of uneasiness and guiltiness. I have appointed with C for more than five times, however, not once we made it, and this Thursday was a good shot coz I was in a mood to dance plus I attended a pleasant course that night which means I was in a good mood to go clubbing; yesterday is because HD was sorta upset as my few pals stil in PKU. I am not willing to reject my pal's invitation to accompany them, though I am no longer single and they are stil single. Who cares whether you are single or not? we are good pals and this give every reason for us to hang out and comfort each other only by the substantive companion. So many times that they were by my side when I need friendship. Before my pals or some friends I cherish, I will seldom put out the boy friend thing, which is not in our talk scale. We are friends, actually, then what we talk is all concerning friendship. Pathetic as it is to talk about the bf or gf all the time, let myself never be that kind of poor person. I think, I am now mature and sophisticated enough to handle the friendship and relationship as I wil never discard my pals for a single lover, that is not what I will do. Always keep in mind that lovers will come and go, however, friends are forever, and they are the always ones that stand beside you, supporting you without any calculation. That's the reason why I am still keeping in touch with so many friends, and hang out with them as I used to be. More and more prone as I am to be an independent modern female, the guy who caught me is lucky, coz where to find such an equivalent and detached girlfriend, who doesnt think woman is inferior to man in love. Nobody should take any responsibility to anyone else; I am I and You are still you, and both of us live on ourselves and the life is individual however not dual. Thus, being life-independent and spirit-weaved are the ideal state of love I yearn for, also is what I need right now. I cant hold a too heavy love, not only the limited attention, but also I cant promise anything. So far as I see, my Harvard buddies who are reluctant to have a stable partner makes certain sense to metropolitan youth with high education. Our high motivation and expectation in life, to some extent, deprives our freedom to love.

今天看到这个词出现在传播学的理论教材里面，意指美国控制了其他小国或非超级大国国民general的欲望与需求，打造出如出一辙的美式渴求，引发无精明主观判断力的mass对西式文化和绝对民主的盲目追崇。

 

我想要自由，权利，选择，财富，尊重，地位，我想要部分控制他人的能力，我想要拥有影响他人的权利。其实冷静下来抛开具体量化和物欲化的所有需求，我最需要的是：在不需要担忧生存问题前提下的自由选择和部分控制权利。也许不应该是满足基本生存需求，而是在满足我所期望的物质和精神需求前提下。

 

XM曾说他理想的生活是：坐在街那角的小咖啡馆，馆外有一排矮矮的干净的白色栅栏，然后他左手一杯拿铁，右手一份墨香的报纸，沐浴在懒懒的日光下，淡漠地看过往的飞驰的行人，心情波澜不惊。不需要过多的思考与束缚，因为当随性而为成为生活的主tone的时候，刻意装深沉思考就是一种矫情。

 

QQ群上本科同学在争论《Cloud Dream》的剧情发展，各路神鬼YY无限。李哲的云梦对我们来说其实是一次“他”（特指李哲）律的“肉欲”主义和“权利”主义的集体有意识的意淫活动，这里的肉欲和权利都主要针对男生而言，对于女生，能在小说里出现有个不太衰的小角色就满足了。里面角色分配和剧情发展掺杂了各种“善意人情”、“权利勾结与买卖”、“私人恩怨”等因素，让一个原本因客观因素分离的班级体又因为这本意淫小说的连载重新粘合在一起，不得不说是李哲的大功劳。

 

最近听自然卷，很清新，很跳跃，很动听。推荐之。

昨天傍晚睡醒后，我很忧郁和烦躁

晚上，跟着HD和GN去了鬼街吃牛蛙

估计吃了有一斤

回到宿舍，已经凌晨一点

也许是牛蛙里的激素过多

整个晚上到今天早上8点

我都“精神奕奕”的躺在床上

好不痛苦

一晚上没睡觉的后果就是今天觉得虚脱，缺乏睡意到总觉得需要睡眠

而且还拉了一天的肚子，感觉肠子都要拉出来了

下午上新闻写作课的时候把口香糖给吞了下去，害的我赶紧买了更多的食物帮助把它给整下去

晚上骑单车的时候，觉得好冰凉，好寒冷

其他各种事情也把我弄得很暴躁

这倒霉的两天赶紧过去吧